Sex Fantasy

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Ever feel like your sex life is boring and you are thinking about spicing things up in the bedroom?  If you answered yes, do not take advice from 23 year-old Arthur Sedille from Oklahoma. 

In the midst of of little pre-Christmas nookie on December 21st, "(CNN) He pressed it to his wife's head and pulled the handgun's slide back during sex."  That's right, he shot and killed his wife during a sex fantasy in bed. I mean what woman doesn't find a pistol to her head sexy? 

I try not to joke about death or murders because I really don't think they are funny, but the context in this story is too good to pass up.

"(CNN)- Sedille, 23, is facing the possibility of a murder charge in Canadian County, Oklahoma, in the death of his wife, 50-year-old Rebecca Sedille -- who died when the handgun went off in their bedroom." (No, the 27 year age difference is not a typo).  And,"possibility of a murder charge?" What is the alternative? Thanks Judicial system!

There are so many sex jokes that I could make about this story (like the gun just went off, or "head" jokes), but I am not that immature.  So I will leave you with this, Practice safe sex people!

                                          (Thanks for the cute picture CNN!)

Freak of the Week (Romaniacs!)

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So you think that America has issues with Politics and protesters?  Check out this asshole in Romania who protested the government by jumping off of the balcony in Parliament.  Not much to analyze here, but he did earn the freak of the week for my blog.  Maybe this is Romanias version of Spider-Man?  Who knows.

Year in review

So, 2010 has been a great year, unless you were effected by the financial crisis, a Chilean miner, any animal in the Gulf of Mexico, Corey Haim, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman, Greg Giraldo, George Steinbrenner, J.D Salinger, Manute Bol, a resident of Haiti (earthquake), Chilie (eathquake), Pakistan (flooding), Iceland (volcano), Brett Favre or Tiger Woods.

Worst quote of the year:  ''I hear comments sometimes that large oil companies are greedy companies or don't care, but that is not the case with BP. We care about the small people.''
—BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg, speaking to reporters in Washington, June 16, 2010

That's nice of you to think about the "small people" Carl; How did that 33 billion dollar loss in Q3 work out for you?

Best quote of the year: ''I never considered myself a maverick.''
—Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), rewriting history and repudiating the image on which he based his presidential campaign, Newsweek interview, April 2010

Well John, You probably should have told your dumb ass running-mate that before the campaign.

Anyways, I am fairly confident that 2011 will be a better year than 2010 because I honestly don't see how it could be worse (I am a "cup half full" kind of guy.)
Happy New Year!

It's your Birfday

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"(Hartford Courant)- Two men were arrested early Tuesday morning for allegedly breaking into 50 Cent's 52-room Connecticut mansion -- one of whom was found in a closet drinking a bottle of wine he had taken from the home."

That's right Curtis James Jackson III, aka: 50 Cent, aka: Fifty Cents (to old white people); two punk ass kids broke into your house and stole a bottle of your Beringer wine then slammed it in a closet.

What the hell are you drinking wine for anyways?  Don't you rap about 40's and poppin Cristal? You should be happy that these kids took your wine, your street cred has dropped so much anyways by living in Farmington, CT (one of the most cliche upper-class towns in America). It's good that you brought a little of the hood to Farmington, I am sure the town loves it.

"Alexander Hernandez, 19, and Santos Padilla, 21, were apprehended after security guards called police about a suspicious car in the driveway."

Are you kidding me?!?!  Your "security guards" called the cops?  HA!  What type of weak ass security guards do you have that resort to calling the Farmington PD?  I figured you would have a refugee army with armed guards and machetes (Wyclef style). 

Well Curtis, I am glad the Farmington PD were able to take care of the wine bandits and all is safe in your mansion.

More Stupid Lyrics

This weeks edition of "Stupid Lyrics" is brought to you by Lil Wayne.  In the song "Forever" by Drake, Lil Wayne had this to say...

"Okay, hello it's da Martian, Space Jam Jordans
I want this shit forever, wake up and smell the garden
Fresher than the harvest, step up to the target
If I had one guess, then I guess I'm just New Orleans"

-Really, A Space Jam reference?  The 1996 movie about cartoon basketball players is the most gangsta you can be?
-And exactly what "shit" do you want forever?  I think I missed something in that line. However, I do enjoy "smelling gardens," but I just don't see how that is applicable in this song?
- Last thing, "Target" and "New Orleans" do not rhyme, so way to be extremely lazy there.

I guess I just have to come to the realization that all of the best rappers ever are either dead (B.I.G & Tupac), newly sober so have lost their edge (Eminem) or married to Beyonce and too busy to rap (she seems high-maintenance).  I mean the new "rap" is just pitiful and I feel Lil Wayne did an excellent job at proving this in this weeks edition of Stupid Song Lyrics.

 

Spider-Man (Not bird)

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Superman is to kryptonite as Spider-Man is to ___________? If you guessed "gravity," you are correct!  Stay with me on this one...

New York (CNN) -- An actor was injured after a fall during a performance of the musical "Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark" in New York on Monday night.

Yes, that is right.  During a performance yesterday, the heroic Spider-Man fell 20 feet (or about 6 meters to anyone not in the U.S) and was "wheeled off stage in a neck brace and taken to the hospital."  I was never a huge Spider-Man fan growing up, probably because I already knew he was a pussy that couldn't handle a 20 foot fall.

The fans at this show must have been pissed!  Spider-Man is typically seen swinging between sky-scrapers, 50-70 stories high while fighting off bad guys left and right.  Yesterday, these fans saw Spider-Man fall the equivalent of two stories and get taken away by ambulance.  I don't know about you, but I would demand my money back.

"A producer then came by and said the show was over, Dealwis said. Some people "clapped awkwardly," and one girl "laughed mockingly," drawing "disapproving glances" from others."

The fact that this girl "laughed mockingly" has restored my faith in Broadway fanatics.  I am just happy that one person in the theater understood the irony of what they just saw. Anyways, get well Spider-Man.

Party in Israel!

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"Jerusalem (CNN) -- The Israeli Air Force shot down an unidentified flying object over the Dimona nuclear plant in the Negev Desert Thursday, the Israel Defense Forces said."

It was a scary day in Israel yesterday when the IAF shot down a UFO as it entered the do-not-fly zone above a nuclear plant.  Who ordered the attack? Iran? Lybia? Syria? I know the US has Israels back (even though our President accidentally bowed to the Saudi King), so where do we have to deploy our troops now?

What's that?  The "UFO" was a "party balloon?" 

That's right, the Israeli Defense Force said "the object may have been a party balloon but they have not found the debris to determine that is was." How do you expect the 10 people searching to find a small balloon fragment out in the desert when our entire military can't find Bin Laden?

Oh well, at least the Israeli Air Force got some target practice when they shot down little Amir's balloon because his Father forgot to tie it tight enough to the chair during his 11th birthday party. 

Not so "Happy" Meal

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Every now and then I come across a story that I have to read twice because I cannot believe how crazy it is.  This morning I was shocked when this hypothetical "gold" landed in front of me while I was checking the top news stories.

(Warning: Criticism of lazy parents to follow)

"(CNN) - A California woman is suing McDonald's claiming the fast-food giant uses toys to market directly to young children." (Isn't that the point? Define "Marketing")

"(CNN) - Monet Parham, a 41-year old state employee, says her kids repeatedly ask for Happy Meals, mainly for the toys. "We have to say no to our kids so many times and McDonald's makes that so much harder to do. I object to the fact that McDonald's is getting into my kids' heads without my permission and actually changing what my kids want to eat."

Sorry Monet (and it's a sign that you can change one letter in your name to make it "money"), but this is the stupidest lawsuit I have ever heard of.  I know times are tough, but how are you going to sue McDonald's because they put toys in with their kids' meals? 

"We have to say no to our kids so many times and McDonald's makes that so much harder to do." Really?  Are you going to blame Sony because your stupid kids stay up late and watch TV? Or we can all sue Taco Bell because we were so intrigued with that little Chihuahua that all we did was eat gordidas for 11 months straight?

I have an idea Monet, how about you step up and be a fucking parent?  "Mommy, Mommy, I want McDonald's tonight..."  This is how you handle that one, "No."  You are the parent and you need to act like it.

If this is just for the money, and you find a good enough lawyer who will get you some, I think you should be counter sued for wasting every ones time who is involved. 

Freak of the Week!

Here is a new section of my blog that I am starting called "Freak of the Week."  The name pretty much summarizes what I am going to talk about but if you are slow, let me explain.  Each week (maybe more, depending on the abundance of freaks per given week), I will select a "freak" in the media and talk shit about them, got it?

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"Actor Rip Torn pleads guilty in Conn. break-in" - Looking at this headline, you would figure that possibly he broke into a package store (liquor store if you don't live in CT) or maybe even broke into a house.  You are wrong; Rip Torn, who is best known for his role in "Men in Black," got all trashed, grabbed his gun and went to a Connecticut bank. 

Anyone else in CT that pulled that shit would have been shot on the site, but landing that Emmy in 1996 for the work he did on "The Larry Sanders Show" was his literal "get out of jail free card."  I am not sure how you pulled only 3 years of probation for this one off but I commend you Rip.  However, you are still my "freak of the week" for even trying this bullshit in the first place.

                                                     (thanks for sharing your pic NY State Police!!)

You can ask and tell :-p

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Here comes the first "political" story in my blog so I am sorry if it comes across boring to those of you looking for some really interesting story about a car chase in Old Saybrook, CT.

"Washington (CNN) -- The House of Representatives voted Wednesday to overturn the ban on openly gay and lesbian soldiers serving in the U.S. military, passing legislation repealing the controversial "don't ask, don't tell" policy."

It is about fucking time House of Representatives. Although, in their defense, the previous bill included other issues dealing with the military and Pentagon spending; So this was the first bill dealing with the whole gay thing that they really got to vote on.

So the bill is repealed 250-175, I think about half way through the counting, they started chanting "warm up the bus, warm up the bus" at the anti-gay members of the House.  Everyone is happy and feeling gay, right? 

Nope, Republican House Rep. Duncan Hunter of California had this to say... "The United States military is not the YMCA, It's something special." He then went on to say, This is "a liberal crusade to create utopia." Well Mr. Hunter, you now have a bunch of pissed off openly gay people with guns that will not hesitate to bust a cap in your ass (or something else to see if you like it).

How are gay people in the military a BAD thing?  Who else would you want spying on other countries male soldiers and polishing their rifles every night?  Also, how do you think the military is so well dressed?  When is the last time you knew a guy who woke up, made his bed, put on a starched shirt and went outside to work out? Yeah, that's what I thought Representative Hunter.

So today I congratulate the gay soldiers in the military and across the United States for being a little more proud of your country.

Bieber has street cred?

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"CNN has learned that the teen pop star won't face charges regarding an alleged scuffle that erupted at a Canadian laser tag park in October."

OK Justin Bieber, you really need to stop being so gangsta!  I mean first you call out Tom Brady for knockin your hair style and now you're scuffling with a 12-year-old, over a game of laser tag?  Damn, the Bloods and Crips are looking to jump in bad asses like you to represent their colors. 

OK, I hate reading, analyzing or acknowledging "Hollywood entertainment" stories but this one I could not pass up. Justin Bieber is taking on the world, Scarface style, and taking everyone out that gets in his way. 

Maybe, if I am lucky, the next story I read about Justin Bieber involves him getting in a scuffle with something more powerful than a laser tag gun. That way, I will never have to read another story about him again.

                                           (thanks CNN for this HOT pic)

Snowmen Suck

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(AP) "A Champaign-Urbana bus driver has resigned after officials with the transit agency saw an online video of the driver running over a snowman built in the middle of a street."

If I were the owner of Champaign-Urbana bus lines I would not be asking for this bus drivers resignation (or accept it for that matter), I would promote this guy.  How could other companies compete with a snowman hunting, hundred ton thrill ride on wheels? 

Also, who the fuck builds a snowman in the middle of the street? Really guys?  Like people aren't pissed off enough to be driving around in the snow, you add maneuvering around frosty on slick roads to the commute.  How about next time one of you dress up as a snowman after a few beers and hang out in the street? Then you can test the balls of the Champaign-Urbana bus driver working the graveyard shift in a snow storm.

I admit that I hate snowmen, I would have done the exact same thing as this driver did.  I am from New England,  so every winter I contemplate jumping the curb and blasting through a snowman just because the things suck.  I wouldn't want to have to deal with the home owners, the police, insurance company or tow truck though, so I haven't done it yet. But, if you put one of those sons-of-bitches in my lane, you bet your ass that I am going to punch it. So thank you Mr. Bus Driver for sharing the mutual hate for snowmen and punk ass kids as I do.

Stupid song lyrics of the week

This is a new segment that I am starting to show how stupid some song lyrics are.  My plan is to show how untalented some of these people are that make money off of pointless songs.  Any moron can take a beat and say anything over it and people will dance (check out Leada Woods). 

This first edition of "SSLOTW" is brought to you by Cali Swag District and the song "Teach Me How To Dougie." Other than the fact they say "Dougie" about 56 times throughout the song, there is really no explanation of what the fuck a Dougie is.

Take this excerpt for instance.

"I show my moves off and everybody tryna do me
I leave da function and all da ladies tryna screw me
You just do you and imma do me (all day)
Dudes love to hate so they try to screw me"


Wait... What?  Let me break this one down...

- I begin to dance and people attempt to replicate what I am doing.
- I leave a function and that is when ladies decide they want to have sexual relations with me.
- You masturbate and so will I (that's just weird)
- Men can't find any love in their lives so they try to have sex with me.

All I have to say is that I am not sure how this group makes money, but good job guys. Tune in next time for the Stupid song lyrics of the week!

Phil-Lee Cheese Steak (whiz with)

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Last night, Cliff Lee (the most desirable free agent pitcher this baseball off season) did exactly what we all thought he would; He went to the Yankees, no wait, the Rangers? Yeah, the Rangers topped the Yankees offer.  What's that? He went to the fucking Phillies?  So let me get this straight, he went to the Phillies who were not even in the back and forth negotiation battle between the Rangers and Yankees where millions of dollars were being thrown at him? 

My faith has been restored in professional athletes. Lee decided to leave (an estimated) 32 million dollars in the city of New York for some cheese steaks in the great city of Philadelphia.  I admit that I am bias because I am a Red Sox fan and the fact the Yankees did not get Lee is good for my team, but when is the last time a pro athlete left that kind of money on the table for some mouth watering shredded steak dripping in whiz? 

Fun fact:  Cliff Lee could have bought an extra 4.4 million cans of cheese whiz with the amount of money he declined by choosing not to go to the Yankees. 

So I will leave you with this; Money is not all that matters any more to these athletes. It all boils down to which city can pump out greasy, hot subs that are coated in the napalm like cheese whiz.  Thank you for making the right choice Cliff, we will see you in the World Series next year!

Nice Shoes

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Here is a story that hit close to home (literally and figuratively).  Two women 29 and 40, from New Haven, CT decided to do a little Christmas shopping in the small town of Old Saybrook, CT (home of the Montauk Monster himself) last Friday afternoon.  The only problem these ladies came across while doing their shopping is that they left their purses at home.  Did the out-of-towners leave the merchandise off to the side to go get their money and come back at a later time to pay? Hell no, they took the $30 boots and ran to their now get-away car waiting in the parking lot of Famous Footwear.


One thing I have come to learn about Old Saybrooks finest (other than the fact they are extremely well dressed; top 100 in the country) is that they will not go down without a fight.  They do not care if an outsider comes in to town and robs a bank or if they steal a pack of gum; if you do the town wrong, you will pay (I actually think that is their mission statement, or at least it should be).


The high speed chase took to the streets but the OSPD were tightly on their tails.  Boots went flying out of the window of the get-away car but could not slow down these brave police officers (or shoreline soldiers as I call them).  The cat and mouse chase took a turn down route 1 and that is when the police knew they had them right where they wanted them.  The officer hit the turbo switch on the Batman like police car and got right on the bumper of the women. Not having any more boots to throw at the police, the driver attempted one last death defying maneuver that proved to be their demise.

She took a hard left which lead them through a ditch, missing a tree by an inch and a half, over a curb, through the parking lot, over a stone wall and into an accounting building. Score 1 for OSPD, 0 for the New Haven bandits.  However, the OSPD felt the town was still in danger so before the dust could settle, the Chief ran up to the (now totaled car) with his gun drawn.  Screams from inside the vehicle due to a plethora of broken bones did not make the chief miss a beat, he wasn't letting his guard down on these intruders.


The accounting building was heavily damaged, the stone wall was destroyed, the files that were once meticulously organized and filed inside were now all over the floor. Driving by the crime-scene an hour or so after it happened, you would have thought that North Korea was invading Old Saybrook based on the amount of officers, emergency personnel and news coverage that was present.  The women were taken to the hospital by ambulance because life-star could not land due to "high winds," (at least that is what they told the bitches).


Once again, all is safe in Old Saybrook.  Sure there are thousands of dollars of damage to the accounting building, hours of police overtime, damaged by-standards vehicles, citizens lives at risk, two women in critical condition. But hey, Famous Footwear got the two stolen pairs of boots back that were thrown from the window of the vehicle and now have dirt and tire marks all over them. The moral of this story is not "don't steal" or "don't run from the police." The moral of this story is "Old Saybrook isn't afraid to waste thousands of dollars for $30 worth of boots."

Not so "Awesome"

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Douglas Allen Smith Jr of Eugene, Ore, legally changed his name to "Captain Awesome" last month.  When I read this story it immediately pissed me off more than I could explain.  Mr. Smith (I refuse to call him Captain Awesome) obviously does not care much about himself or his future.


Also, he has one of the worst senses of humor ever (doing this is the equivalent of telling a knock knock joke).  The name change was not even original either, he stole the idea from the show "Chuck," and you know if he watches Chuck, he must be a loser (sorry Chuck fans).


I know that Mr. Smith has no plans to be married (who wants the name "Awesome") or have children because who can take this guy seriously?  Nothing about being a cabinet installer in Oregon is "awesome."  Maybe if he had a real skill that would merit such a name I would give him more credit; but how awesome can you be at installing cabinets? "Wow, you really hung that cabinet awesome, Captain Awesome!" Shut up.

Ocho Cinco (Chad Johnson) can pull off a name change like that because he has a ton of money and the IQ of a rock so people just turn their heads. In Mr. Smith's case, he only has one of the two (cabinet installers don't make a ton of money I assume).


Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against cabinet installers or people from Oregon.  However I do have a lot against assholes that change their name to something stupid. 

Fawn with the wind

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Pretty much all that happened here is a baby deer who is inspiring to be in the same category as Wayne Gretzky, Sidney Crosby and Patrick Roy got into trouble for doing what he loves most, playing hockey.  This young lad was up at the crack of dawn practicing his skating techniques and timing his blue line to blue line when suddenly law enforcement felt it necessary to remove him from the ice. 

Now, I have been kicked out of public places in my day but in those cases I was doing something wrong, and that was by one police officer.  In this case it took the D.E.P, police and fire department to "lead the animal to safety."  In other words, they ruined all of his fun and passion for the sport of hockey. 


This young fawn will now need to take up another sport because clearly the establishment feels that fawns should not be playing hockey.  I will leave you with this quote from the Great One (Wayne Gretzky) - "A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be."  Go find your puck, young fawn.

--
(I would like to thank Matt for bringing this pointless (yet misunderstood) story to the publics attention today.)

Merry-wanna Christmas

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Just when I thought Santa went from the most lame guy on the planet to one of the most giving gift givers of all time, the police had to ruin 29 year old Julio Ramos' Christmas plans.

Yesterday police swarmed in as Julio received over 100 lbs of marijuana from the delivery man wrapped in festive Christmas paper.  Now I always wondered how Santa worked up the appetite to eat all of those cookies and drink all of that milk on December 24th and now I have my explanation. 

 Also, Santa is always saying "ho ho ho" and Snoop Dogg is always rapping about hoes so now that I see their common obsession for Mary-Jane, it all makes total sense.  When you smoke the stuff it turns your eyes red, the color of the bud is green; red and green? Coincidence? Need I say more? 

 I think Santa is a straight up dude and just got Julio exactly what he had on his wish-list, obviously Julio was on the "good kids" list this year.  Sorry for having to take the fall Julio, the Grinch (aka police) just had to come and steal your Christmas joy.  So a Merry-juana Christmas to all!

Not from Montauk

First and foremost, I want to let you know that I am not from Montauk, do not have family or friends in Montauk and frankly I am not even a fan of the place.  The only time I have been to Montauk is on drunken boat trips across Long Island Sound with friends which were only enjoyable because of the amount of alcohol we consumed on the ride there (the way back was not as enjoyable). 

My nickname is the "Montauk Monster" because I was intrigued by the story where an unidentified creature allegedly washed onto the shore in the business district in Montauk, NY. The media tried to cover up the story by saying it was a "raccoon, sloth, sheep, dog or a possum." That is bullshit; lets give this little guy credit for what he is. He is a bad ass Monster that escaped from Plum Island Animal Disease Center (which is another topic in itself), and attempted to make his swim to freedom one stormy night; similar to the unsuccessful escape attempts in the past from Alcatraz, this little guy was shot. He sacrificed his life trying to get the word out about Plum Island.


This leads me to wonder, how many of these stories are covered up in the media because "the man" does not want you to know the real facts?  How many Montauk Monsters are not getting credit for what they do and who they are because the government wants to cover up projects or the real story? 


Now don't worry, I am not some conspiracy theorist who is going to try and crack the JFK assassination or attempt to blame 9/11 on the United States.  I am simply trying to take random news stories and put my twist on them using as much humor and sarcasm I can possibly spew out before I get sick of typing. I am not some English major who will blow you away using terms such as "quid pro quo" to get my point across, but hopefully you will get a laugh (even if it is at my expense).


Read all about the real Montauk Monster here.